that you'll always stay

For better or for worse

ST journalist Teo Pau Lin

With friends around me divorcing, is marriage for keeps, I sometimes wonder. But I believe that to have and to hold - at age 70 - is still a beautiful thing.

There's a Hollywood-Watch column published in this weekly news magazine that always makes me laugh. Titled 'But how long will it last?', it assesses in witty point forms the chances of marital success whenever a celebrity couple decides to tie the knot. Jennifer Lopez made several appearances in it. Britney Spears' 24-hour tryst in Las Vegas was so brief it warranted such a headline, 'Annulled and Void'.

But it's no laughing matter when such sniggering derision creeps into your own life.

Lately, I've developed a streak of cynicism which I find quite unsettling. Mention that a friend is getting married, and my first thought would not be congratulatory, but an almost cocksure 'But how long will it last?'

The name of marriage has fallen on hard times, at least to me and some around me. That marriage is difficult is a fact that was drilled into me throughout my growing up years. Someone's mother is having an affair. Uncle so-and-so has taken a second wife. Oh no, the neighbours are fighting again.

But for better or for worse, people stayed married. Divorce was a huge taboo you resorted to only when things got cataclysmically beyond repair.

You can hardly say the same for the current generation. It's a sobering thought when I realise that among my peers, I know of at least 10 people who have divorced, and four who are twice divorced. They had different reasons: incompatibility, extra-marital affairs, diverging career paths, lack of support and respect for each other. And you could blame it on many things.

You could say women are now financially independent enough to call it quits if married life doesn't suit them. You could say the pursuit of the good life has couples more bent on building careers than mending homes. You could say the consumerist culture has people ditching their spouses the moment they fall out of favour, pretty much like an old mobile phone or a boring TV show. Judging from its failure rate, you could even say that marriage is nothing more than legal cohabitation with a 50-table banquet thrown in. If it doesn't work out, just bail.

Which leaves unmarried people like me wondering: Is marriage even workable? Is there reason to still believe in it?

In my quest to find some answers, I asked a few people, both married and unmarried, why they want to be married. To have kids, said one. For stability, said another. To be in a long-term loving relationship, added a third. But one sentiment echoed throughout: marriage is 'damn scary'. The odds against it are high.

Man is not meant to be monogamous, said one, and you can dig up reams of anthropological texts to support that. Another observed that modern urbanite couples are assaulted by so much temptation, as both husband and wife are exposed to the lures of career, money or that secret fling. A married female friend dished out the biggest blow of all: 'If two people don't love each other any more, they should just divorce.'

Anyone who's ever been in a long-term relationship would know that it's common to fall in and out of love with your partner, sometimes even in the course of a day. If marriage is based on how you feel about your spouse, and feelings are so capricious, what hope is there in a lasting union? Amid the storm of opinions and, frankly, nuptial dampeners, came a voice that brought some order.

My elder brother, who has been married for six years and has two young daughters, crunched down the reason that marriage hasn't worked for so many people: 'It's easier to find something new than fix something old.’ Of the many ingredients required to make a good marriage - compatibility, trust, respect, communication, similar values and goals - one other sticks out above the rest.

The will for the relationship to work.

'You'll always have bad times in a marriage,' he said. 'But if you have the will for it to work, it will get you through. You'll try harder. You wouldn't give up so easily,' he said.

This sentiment was repeated when I posed the 'Man is not meant to be monogamous' theory to a 27-year-old guy friend, who belongs to a rare breed of young men with an infectious optimism about marriage. 'Yeah, but Man is not meant to fly too. It's about having determination to do it, right?' he argued.

To me, what's undeniable is that Man is not meant to be alone.

Marriage is not a better way of living. Many single people lead happy and productive lives, enriched by friends and family. But personally, I'd love to relish in the comfort of knowing that there is this one person who will stick around through all my thick's and thin's.

In an age where everything is changeable and disposable, I'd love to say that there is at least one thing I've stuck to and nurtured for over 40 years. Friends will not be there when you're 70 and coughing in bed in the middle of the night.

I'd like to know that there will be someone who will fluff up my pillows and get me my pills. More than that, I'd love to be able to feel trusted and depended on by someone as I do the same. This, perhaps, is the very meaning of marriage: that you will always stay.

laugh at woe and laugh at foe

Emotion so Raw

heart pounding,
cheeks flushing.
knees going weak,
head in a tizzy.
eyelids fluttering,
fingers twitching.
mouth a watering,
brain a throbbing.
hands are clasping,
tongue a wandering.

outliers - the story of success

read the above mentioned book by malcom gladwell. it is a very insightful book which revealed to us the true underlying reasons for success - and they arent what people think they are. people usually attribute the success of a certain person to his drive or his derring-do or his determination, etc. the book debunks such myths. i'm not saying that such traits arent important. of course they are. what i'm actually saying is that the reasons for the success of such people are a result of a combination of unforseen factors. it is not necessarily hard work that made them successful. more often that not, it is more a matter of demographics, race, genetics, culture and yes, opportunity.

having read the book, i cant help but feel that i am a victim of the invisible hand of global processes. some finger i cannot see prodding me along. the slow but inexorable walk towards my destiny. lady luck doesnt want to smile on me. perhaps if i were born in another country at another time to another system, i might be a rock-star today. think i'm boasting? think again.

i spoke to some old birds today (i like conversing with the old-timers there is much wisdom in their words) and i gathered some information regarding the inner workings of the upper echelons of the rockclimbing fraternity in Singapore. some people give degrogatory terms to the Singapore Mountaineering Federation (SMF for short). they call it the Singapore Monkey Federation. i must admit that i was initially of that view too - until i spoke to amir and heard both sides of the story. once again, this reaffirms my faith in always hearing both sides of the story first before passing judgement. and even if passing judgement, to keep those comments to myself.

apparently, the SMF is under the International Sport Climbing Federation (ISCF). the ISCF is trying to elevate sport climbing to the status of an olympic sport. members of ISCF have to pay ISCF 3000 swiss francs a year as 'subscription' money. you know how the world works. we all need to conform to something. you need to listen to your teacher; your teacher needs to listen to the principal; so on and so forth. without the backing of ISCF, SMF would lose its moral backing/authority and its bargaining chips with the Singapore Sports Association (SSA). it would cease to become a legitimate association.

SSA comes under the jurisdiction of the government. the source of its budget is from the government coffers. they receive a fixed budget annually and have to account for how the money is spent and whether it is put to its best use. naturally they would allocate higher budgets to the mainstream sports that bring back more medals. it is a chicken and egg story. mainstream sports are socially accepted. teens with potential are talent scouted at a young age. a career as an an athlete in that sport is viable. they train hard and win glory. the SSA pumps more money into the sport. the sport becomes more glamourous. SSA allocates even higher budget to the sport.

SSA gives the SMF $0 for its budget. SMF has to cough out money to pay ISCF its 3000 swiss francs a year otherwise it loses its membership rights and hence its backing. because it has no funds, strong singaporean rockclimbers who have the potential to excel at overseas competitions have to fork out their own money to fly to the organising country and to participate on their own accord. this is unheard of in any professional sport. it is a sure-fire way to drive athletes away. rockclimbing athletes who have potential here are passed over. the sec sch kids have O levels. the older teens have A levels and their 'future'. after which they have army and that means 2 years of no climbing. the working adults cannot train full time because they need to feed their families. thus, there is no point to train open difficulty climbers, because naturally they would get thrashed by the koreans/japanese who train full time. i heard the qualifying grade for such comps are 7c+, which is near to impossible to the climber who doesnt climb a lot (if you read the book it's stated as 10 000 hours of work before you become a true master) - and that is precisely what our climbers arent getting enough. fair enough, maybe our climbers are climbing a lot, or they are trying to the best of their ability to put in as much time as possible given the limitations, but i could probably guess that their herculean efforts would pale in comparism to that of the koreans/japanese.

a combination of the factors mentioned explains the predicament of the rockclimbing scene in singapore to a certain extent. singapore needs a disciplined workforce to shoulder the economy on their backs; entrepreniurial businessmen to rake in revenue from overseas empires; foreign workers to build the nation's infrastructure; service-oriented drones to run the integrated resorts seamlessly. in short, they need everyone else but rockclimbers. furthermore, the rockclimbing industry here is not as established or self sufficient as that of the western countries. we do not have our very own petzl or black diamond or la sportiva or evolv or beal.

the most frustrating thing is that all of these makes sense. but i can do nothing within my power to change it. if i were a government official, i wouldnt want to pump in any money into a sport that does not have as much track record (or foreign talent if you please) as swimming or table-tennis. if i were a degree-holding graduate, i would not seek a career in the rockclimbing industry given its lack of recognition and the lack of a dependable salary. if i were a rockclimbing athlete, i must have taken too many lead falls (and thus busted my brains) if i were willing to pay for the expenses, of travelling to another country and competing in singapore's name, myself.

the people working in the SMF are volunteers. how much effort do you expect of people who arent paid? TT Durai was paid 'peanuts' to run NKF. we see that there is often a direct correlation between pay scale and talent. if we want SMF to be in the hands of talented and capable individuals, then we must pay them the salary that is deserving of them. the volunteers at SMF are running on some other fuel. love? passion? air? grass? i infer that it must be less than 'peanuts'. SMF cannot provide much support for local bouldering competitions because it has little/no funds and its staff are just volunteers. the seeds of conflict and discord are sown. i am a small fry, but i can easily see that what we need is for the industry to revamp its image and work together to raise the prestige of the sport in Singapore - if it wants to even have a slight chance to raise its profile a little.

as such, i cannot help but wonder that if i were born in a country that is less conservative and more supportive and has a burgeoning rockclimbing scene, perhaps i'll be writing down this short blog post as a rock-star and not as a student-still-searching. call me naive if you will, but read the book first. of course i am appreciative that i'm born in a country with a stable economy and strong leadership and with equal opportunities for all. but this isnt the opportunity i want. one man's meat is another man's poison.

some things are not meant to be

read richard carlson's book An Hour to Live, an Hour to Love. read about the deep love that runs between him and his wife and is really inspired. love-at-first-sight and the love that slowly nurtured between them through the years. sweet, slightly cheesy but most definitely very romantic. will my life have a happy ending too? i have a fragile heart and cannot take too many twists and turns.

he advocates letting go of all the small things. if we had only an hour left to live, we wouldnt be calling our insurance agents or financial advisers or lawyers or the like. we cannot be so caught up in the world that we neglect those closest to us. i like how he and his wife can just sit by their favourite bench and just enjoy the sunset. tranquil. a scene out of a postcard. different men have different ways of expressing their love. i just love his expression in the form of words.

i feel really lost. western societies follow the 'self-above-society' model. whereas eastern societies conform to the 'society-above-self' model. richard carlson can just let go of everything because he sees in the grand scheme of things. we should aim to be happy. but in the pursuit of happiness, we might compromise that of other people. i could just drop everything now and go and pursue what i love most, but in doing so i would inevitably be letting my parents down (as seen in the eyes of the asian society). sometimes i ask myself what am i going to university for? there are countless examples of people who have became successful in life and they mostly did not pursue higher education. so am i studying to become just another educated fool?

no doubt the stuff i learn in real estate is critical to my life. i learn about how to source out the best housing loans (useful if i want to buy a house in future) and learn about how to use leverage to purchase several properties to make myself a rich man. but am i really happy? when i let my mind wander during lectures (which is not hard considering how worthless some lectures are), i realise that subconciously i find myself outdoors. i imagine myself scaling some cliff in some picturesque climbing crag with just me and a partner. and then my palms sweat. perhaps these are signs to me. my mother did tell me to go off to whichever country i fancy to train under a coach. but somehow i cannot let go of everything like that. i joined the rat race of education in Singapore and cannot seem to tear myself away from running along its well-trodden tracks. i see other youths leading the life i've always coveted but too timid to attempt and cant help but feel envious. i want to float away on the gossamer wings of my imagination, but i cannot help the nagging strands of rationality tugging at me.

i find myself up to my neck with work recently and cannot find time to do the things i love to do most, that is climbing hardcore, reading and immersing myself in the world of knowledge, and learning to play the piano, and sitting in a quiet place and just watching the clouds drift by.

busy busy busy. but am i really happy? having said all these, the biggest irony is that tomorrow i'll find myself repeating the cycle all over again.


her clothes were unadorned, yet her beauty was undimished.

another mundane day

on 6/2/09 i took baby steps on this other little adventure of my life. i took 6 students through their first rockclimbing lesson. i'll be taking them over the span of a year. eagerly anticipating the session i was. will i screw up? make a bad first impression? (the gold hair doesnt help my cause a lot; neither does my heck-care attitude towards espousing politically correct notions)

the mind of a child has so much potential. there is much wisdom to be gleaned just from observing their actions or their speech. i have so much to offer, so much to share. yet there is so little time. this quandary i face all the time. perhaps sometimes it's wiser to just let them do the talking.

how to ignite their interest? how to let them experience the same exuberance? how will i shape their lives? this responsibility i'm proud to undertake.

let's hope it all turns out well.

Quoteworthy

consider none your superior, whatever their rank or station in life.