got injured at blood donation

am quite irritated now. wanted to do a good deed, but now the competition season (which i have trained so hard for) might be compromised.

the red cross came to NUS last friday for a blood donation drive. i decided to join the gang of people heading down to donate blood. i havent donated blood before and naturally felt a little apprehensive. but the fact that i'm doing a good deed (potentially saving the life of a stranger) put all my worries to rest.

too bad the nurse screwed up. i have several grouses all aimed at her incompetence. firstly, she told me that my vein is too small and that i need to exercise more. i told her that i exercised quite a lot (if hanging 50kg weights off myself to do pull ups is not considered exercise i dont know what is), but she just waved me off. seriously, since when did small vein equate a lack of exercise? secondly, my blood flow was rather slow. so for reasons known only to her, she repeatedly removed and inserted the thick needle into my vein to 'try to speed up the process'. the vein eventually got punctured and collapsed. the area around the injured vein is severely bruised. as a result my left arm is really weak now. thirdly, they gave me a anti-bruising ointment which i realised i was allergic to after application. i developed rashes around the area where the ointment was applied.

as of now, the entire area is bluish blackish, and the surrounding veins are reddish (prolly from the extra workload). it is painful when i press down on it.

i cant carry heavy things, i cant climb, and the competition season is just 2 weeks away.

credo quia absurdum

Your gentleness surrounds me like water

Leaving me immersed once and again

With nothing to hide

Without knowing regrets

Do you appreciate the preciousness of true love?

Cried my eyes dry

Love is like water that is poured out; it’s hard to take it back

The long road ahead

Walking along it wearily

You’ve left me behind to walk the path alone

Won’t let my tears accompany me through the night

Won’t let the taste of your kiss linger

Resolute to forget who I once loved

Slowly getting used to the company of loneliness

Won’t let my tears accompany me through the night

Won’t let your face appear in my dreams

The bourgeoning tide that was once my love has receded

My true feelings will not be given out so easily again

ultimatum - no compromise

last night i had a dream
i was smiling in my dream
i was dreaming of all the good times spent together
of me whining to you
of our next rock trip
in that dream we had a quarrel
silly us
what quarrel?
everything will turn out fine
and then i started smiling again
i woke up with a start
and realised it was all a dream
and then i started tearing again

prisoner of a white god 2

close to one year's worth of relationship.. means nothing in the face of religion. those times spent getting to know each other, staying over at each other's houses, competing together and cheering each other on, going on rock trips together. all the little things i've done for her.. not to mention having to swallow my pride on one occasion after being innocently reprimanded by her mother. jansen ko, this blog hasnt done you any good at all. after months of reflections, you still cannot stand your ground when talking to an unreasonable adult? you are really so naive to think that keeping your cool and maintaining a harmonious relationship is a virtue? childish! immature! you appear to be more of a boy and less of a man! laughable!

jansen ko you are a fucking idiot. why you always get made use of? why are you the party that always ends up getting hurt? in the 2 previous relationships you had, it was always the girl who let you down. never once have you let a lady down. havent you fucking idiot heard of the 'once bitten twice shy' adage. you better stop being a wuss and start learning how to protect your heart. chivalry is dead. all hail the casanova.

you've been crying for close to 2 days now. get a hold of yourself bro! it's ok jansen. you know that deep down inside, you are a good man. you might not be more religious than certain people, but you are certainly more educated, more well-read, more sensible, and definitely more disciplined than most who align themselves to certain faiths. time will heal all wounds. you are made of sterner stuff than this. pay more attention to your first love, for she has to date rewarded your every effort.

the night she came back from putra.. i wanted to surprise her at her house.. waited for close to 30mins but she was off having supper with some other person.. after that i was so hurt.. i was so lost.. i drove around singapore aimlessly for 45 minutes.. i didnt even know where i was driving.. but she doesnt know.. she doesnt know..

do not do unto others what you do not wish to be done onto yourself. haha. hah.

prisoner of a white god

so hurt.

cried myself to sleep last night.. woke up with eyes red.

swear never to let my feelings be taken hostage by another person ever again.