to the edge and back

i fainted during training last monday. it was an unique experience, and according to certain sources, i was the first person to 'achieve' such a feat. along the way to the hospital, i mused that this would make a superb story. so here goes.

for the past 5-6 weeks before that fateful monday, i survived on 5-6 hours of sleep daily. the syllabus is getting tougher, and to keep up i put in extra hours daily to claw against the deluge of concepts/formulas which are currently beyond me. tutorials are challenging, what with us standing in the shoes of consultants and answering tough-as-nails questions from make-believe clients. project deadlines are looming, and boy are the topics complex. delving into mountains of arcane texts to try to uncover the jigsaw is the only way out, but before long you'll realise that despite the effort, you've only managed to sink deeper into the hole.

previously, caffeine was foreign to me. i didnt like to rely on what i saw as a drug to sustain my body functions. but now, i was pumping heinous amounts of that substance into my body to keep it from falling apart.

the extra workload is on top of what i've already chosen to shoulder. in a typical day, i keep updated with business news, track the stock market and read analyst reports. that, on top of school requirements. twice a week, i train the novice women in the team. i also try to maintain my mediocre climbing standard.

last monday, after completing some PT exercises, the body just went into shut-down mode. i almost blacked out and had to sit down. sitting down wasn't enough to stem the light-headedness, so i lied down. breathing took on a more slow and laboured tone. i just felt so frail and weak. on hindsight, i should have seen the warning signs - trembling slightly doing exercises i should have easily completed, feeling breathless after doing some easy two-handed pull ups.

in the moments where circumstances forced me to get better acquainted with the floor, and focus solely on drawing the next breath, and willing my body to get its act together (read: not giving up on me), the 'live in the present' adage dawned on me. all the plans i had for the night, like finishing up that essay due next week, or putting orders into the trading platform, all faded into oblivion the moment the reaper came knocking.

sometimes, i wonder if all my efforts are worth it. the conundrum of whether to just 'live for the moment' and be happy, or to work hard now and reap the fruits of delayed gratification later, befuddles me. in my head, there is this imaginary pair of scales, weighing job satisfaction against job security; being frivolous against being dour; being carefree against being responsible; being feather-brained against being intellectually honest.

i only hope that in the big schema of things, that even if each course of action i take may not be the most perfect one, i can say that it was carefully evaluated first. that way, i hold myself accountable, and sharpen my decision-making skills. the financial equivalent of this is, if you take care of the downside, the upside will take care of itself.

i am also reminded to cherish the things which are important. my health and relations with people who really matter are amongst those considerations. when i was grovelling on the hospital bench, a pair of soft yet firm hands were massaging my face, doing its utmost to ease the discomfort. her hands were like warm coals in the snow, it lifts the soul from the deepest, darkest abyss and lights it up with glowing, glistening flames.. it is in times like this, that you really feel like some of those efforts paid off.