credo quia absurdum

Your gentleness surrounds me like water

Leaving me immersed once and again

With nothing to hide

Without knowing regrets

Do you appreciate the preciousness of true love?

Cried my eyes dry

Love is like water that is poured out; it’s hard to take it back

The long road ahead

Walking along it wearily

You’ve left me behind to walk the path alone

Won’t let my tears accompany me through the night

Won’t let the taste of your kiss linger

Resolute to forget who I once loved

Slowly getting used to the company of loneliness

Won’t let my tears accompany me through the night

Won’t let your face appear in my dreams

The bourgeoning tide that was once my love has receded

My true feelings will not be given out so easily again

ultimatum - no compromise

last night i had a dream
i was smiling in my dream
i was dreaming of all the good times spent together
of me whining to you
of our next rock trip
in that dream we had a quarrel
silly us
what quarrel?
everything will turn out fine
and then i started smiling again
i woke up with a start
and realised it was all a dream
and then i started tearing again

prisoner of a white god 2

close to one year's worth of relationship.. means nothing in the face of religion. those times spent getting to know each other, staying over at each other's houses, competing together and cheering each other on, going on rock trips together. all the little things i've done for her.. not to mention having to swallow my pride on one occasion after being innocently reprimanded by her mother. jansen ko, this blog hasnt done you any good at all. after months of reflections, you still cannot stand your ground when talking to an unreasonable adult? you are really so naive to think that keeping your cool and maintaining a harmonious relationship is a virtue? childish! immature! you appear to be more of a boy and less of a man! laughable!

jansen ko you are a fucking idiot. why you always get made use of? why are you the party that always ends up getting hurt? in the 2 previous relationships you had, it was always the girl who let you down. never once have you let a lady down. havent you fucking idiot heard of the 'once bitten twice shy' adage. you better stop being a wuss and start learning how to protect your heart. chivalry is dead. all hail the casanova.

you've been crying for close to 2 days now. get a hold of yourself bro! it's ok jansen. you know that deep down inside, you are a good man. you might not be more religious than certain people, but you are certainly more educated, more well-read, more sensible, and definitely more disciplined than most who align themselves to certain faiths. time will heal all wounds. you are made of sterner stuff than this. pay more attention to your first love, for she has to date rewarded your every effort.

the night she came back from putra.. i wanted to surprise her at her house.. waited for close to 30mins but she was off having supper with some other person.. after that i was so hurt.. i was so lost.. i drove around singapore aimlessly for 45 minutes.. i didnt even know where i was driving.. but she doesnt know.. she doesnt know..

do not do unto others what you do not wish to be done onto yourself. haha. hah.

prisoner of a white god

so hurt.

cried myself to sleep last night.. woke up with eyes red.

swear never to let my feelings be taken hostage by another person ever again.

2010

start of a new year! re-energised after the trip to hampi and raring to go for the upcoming competition season. funny how energy levels drop linearly throughout the course of the semester only to bounce back again after each roc trip! the hampi trip was really excellent but i guess it'll be some time before i go back to the place again. mostly because i still need to recover from the nasty aspects of indigestibleindia and also because i need to up my fitness level and technical abilities to have any chance of sending my projects at all.

my CAP did a little merry-go-round with me. results of 3.9, 3.7 and 4.1 for the 3 respective semesters spent here in NUS resulted in a back to square one circumstance. 3.9 is a bitch because it's not low enough for you to totally screw studies and enjoy the more laidback aspect of university education. 3.9 makes you want to aim for second upper honours - which means another semester of hard work (which you may well not be rewarded for). oh wells.. in the pursuit of CAP (and materialistic happiness)!

got 2nd for bouldermania (again!). that 1st place is still eluding me despite all that effort. nevertheless, this hide-and-seek makes the chase all the more fun! i know that given my continued break-me-down training methodology, that 1st place podium finish cannot continue to evade me forever! hmm i think i scare people sometimes with the intensity at which i pursue the sport, but i believe that anything worth doing is worth doing well. intensity is the price of excellence, and i'm willing to pay that price.

i'll end off with two quotes i really like from american president theodore roosevelt:
far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorius triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.

it behooves every man to remember that the work of the critic is of altogether secondary importance, and that, in the end, progress is accomplished by the man who does things.

which brings me to my 2010 competition goals.
open men finals by the end of the competition season. easily granted/accomplished.. no doubt.. for most of my competitors, but this is my goal, at least for now. towards it.. with unwavering focus..