To Lead or not to Lead?

i've always given much thought to the topic.

how can i start to describe about the little nuances and happenings of leadership if i have not first immersed myself in the experience? those experiences started back when i was still a little boy. actually i still am. but that's beside the point. i remember when i used to be a prefect leader in primary school. yes. i lead the prefects but i'm ranked below the head prefect. i used to be very stuck up about rules. 11am recess end means stop playing basketball at 11am on the dot. anyone who still continued to play past one second of 11am would just have to have their basketballs rudely snatched away by me and be marched to the discipline master's office. cool eh. it's not surprisingly that all my friends started distancing themselves from the stuck-up nerd - me. at that point in time, i firmly believed that rules are meant to be strictly adhered to. perhaps i was a goody-two-shoes with nothing better to do than to impose on fellow little kids having fun. being a leader mattered a lot to me then. it gave me authority over others and it made me feel powerful. repulsive little tike. i wish i could go back in time and smack that little me.

moving on to secondary school. i had a brief stint as an assistant patrol leader in scouts during my secondary 3 and 4 days. i remember that as sec 1s, we were treated like shit. literally. we did pumping under the hot afternoon sun on metal drain covers. we drank dirty-sock-taken-off-senior-feet filtered chrysanthemum tea. we had to stand at se-dia while our seniors pinched our nipples. yes. crazy lame ass shit why didnt you quit, one might ask. the seniors wielded absolute power over you. and you know how power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely. i didnt quit because i really enjoyed the company of my peers and despite all these years of us going to different institutions and leading different lives, we still keep in touch. memories of those good old tortured days are fondly etched to the corners of my mind. i had a friend who did push ups until he tore his triceps. believe-it-or-not. that weak shit. haha. ok the point is this. when i became a senior, this power was thrust onto me. but i did not want it. do not do onto others what you do not want to be done onto yourself. i arrived at this Confucius concept way back then while doing all that crazy stuff. so i defied the traditions and started being nice to my juniors. thus i was faced with this moral dilemma. uphold the old ways or forge forward to a new dawn? depending on your perspective of how a leader should be, being a leader often means screwing popular opinion and sticking to your guns. i decided there and then that i wanted to do things my way - the nice way. i sometimes wonder - have i gone soft? why the change from my kid days to my early teens? i agree that such a leadership style may lead to those under you climbing over your head, but at least i felt i answered to my conscience. i prefer to win my juniors over on a personal basis rather than have them cower with fear in my presence.

jc days. i joined rockclimbing. i very badly wanted the training-coordinator post (something equivalent to captain, the chairperson is more in charge of admin matters) because i saw how the seniors before me who occupied this post had a clean sweep of the victories at almost every other competition they participated in. when the post fell to me, i was happy. or maybe even beyond that. probably elated. i will make the difference. i will surpass them and bring even more glory to the school. yes. the need for the cancerian to be the fearless leader. please bear with me. after that i realised that it wasnt all smooth sailing. i remember this particularly nasty incident when i screwed my peers for turning up late for training. i raved and ranted and became another person. a rather nasty one. here i must stress that i'm ALWAYS very mild-tempered and prefer not to meddle in the lives of others. i do not like to judge other people but would rather observe and ponder and contemplate. you must understand that i was placed (or perhaps it was my own choice) under tremendous stress. i need to uphold the kind of reputation that the seniors had achieved, that is, winning almost every other competition like it was no kick. i trained my butt off and would go home every training night dog-tired. my arms got so sore i lose all feeling in them. i made sure i pushed myself to the limit and then i pushed somemore. but i loved the experience. nothing else had made me feel so alive. but i digress. the point is this. on one hand you have me pushing myself so hard while on the other hand, you have this bunch of frivolous people who did not care pittance about your efforts at trying to get them to match your dedication. perfect recipe for an explosion of emotions.
eventually there was a happy ending. i did win my final comp, but i felt feelings of relief more than that of pure happiness. that taught me an important life lesson. aww i just love happy sappy endings. the lesson i took away from this episode did however leave a bitter aftertaste. rockclimbing is my passion. and mixing passion with politics would inevitably lead to a conflict of interest. the friendship i shared with those friends prior to the outburst never regained its austere. henceforth, i started to grow wary of assuming the mantle of leadership.

fast forward to my army daze. during time spent in basic military training. i made a solemn vow to myself. i did not want to become a wayang shit ass leader that some ocifers in the military benign to call themselves. i really look on with scorn at those peers (or can i even call them peers) who put on a show in front of the commanders just to advance their interests of being a commander. shallow. superficial. retards. for some reason, i did become a sergeant. i made sure that i treated those under me with utmost respect and i even did away with the rank thing. so instead of addressing me as a sergeant as all primp and proper recruits should, i had them call me by name instead. revolutionary eh. bet they got a shock of their lives when i demanded this of them. i hope i did not impeach on one of the core santicity of the armed forces. i was never made to be a military man anyway. those inspiring quotes that incite you to defend your nation you see plastered on the walls of some sacred corridor in the officer training academy? they were written by poets and historians, not soldiers. as you can see, i've become weary of leadership at this moment. sure i've become more or a man and less of a boy, but i cant help but feel like i've lost something in the process. i do not believe in the whole 'army' idea in the first place. can not a sane and rational person see that if every country were to strip down their armed forces, then they wouldnt even be a need to fight and kill and slaughter. we can discuss or negotiate any conflict like the civilised beings that we make ourselves out to be. all the money spent on maintaining an army (which is quite substantial) can then be spent on more meaningful pursuits - like research for a renewable energy source or a vaccine for some disease or rockclimbing or SOMETHING else other than killing and slashing. raves and rants.. at this point of my life, i am more of the view that rules are made to be broken.

finally here i pause on another pit stop of my uneventful and normal and like-every-one-else life. another page waiting to be flipped. in uni now. i've got wind of the the scandal that rocked the club in the time before mine. personally, i found the episode rather repugnant. conflict does not suit me i guess. good to know and good to learn from but i guess it stops here.
the current captain can be rather tactless at times, and unwittingly hurt the feelings of some, but i find him to be a good man. this all boils down to a conflict of interests. it wouldnt take an idiot to figure out that different people join the team for different reasons. some join because their friends join. some join for the company that they may find with their time here. some join because they want to experience a new sport. some join because they think rockclimbing will help with their image. the list is endless. personally, i join for the intensity. i like hard and tough training and i subscribe to the patxi approach. tough times dont last, tough men do. i like to take part in competitions and i take part to win. simple as that. name me a person who competes to lose and i will look upon him as a lesser man. at least in this aspect, my goals run parallel to that of the team for the time being - to win competitions and make the school look good. duh. of course i enjoy the spectacular view nature has to offer on a natural climb and of course i enjoy the companionship of going on a rock trip together, but my first and foremost priority is getting sick-ass strong. i know i will not be happy climbing a 6a or 6b or 6c for the rest of my life. i am only truly happy when i am attempting a problem that is really hard and which entices me to put in months of effort before it allows me to conquer it. i would do shame to the sense of satisfaction that courses through my veins following that if i try to describe the sensation with words.
ok. crunch time. some people disagree with the captain on the training methods. some people question his leadership style. some people go for training late again and again despite reminders otherwise. my point is this. if you do not like him, then why vote him in in the first place? also, being the captain would mean that he received majority of the votes. so is the process not democractic? if you do not like the decision, then garner enough votes for yourself and kick him out the next term. simple? no? having said this, i really sympathetise with the poor guy. caught in the middle. need to haggle with src. need to appease peers. need to maintain order during training. can already see the wrinkles forming on his face. but at least got a pair of boobs to turn to lah. i disagree with those people who gossip about him behind his back and whine about their unhappiness, yet do not take concrete steps to address the issue. my stand is clear. i've always thought that being friends with a person would mean accepting all the flaws that comes with him. the full package. if not, then dont be his friend!

so many thoughts. some may strike you as distasteful. most may not be coherent. but i thank that you have taken your time to sieve through this babble.


leadership by example.
servant leadership.