good things happen when you least expect it

last weekend marked the end of a crazy week.

preparation for boulderactive. stayed over on tues night at velocity to guard the walls WITH MY LIFE. rained heavily and had to shift all the goodie bags and mattresses, etc. the rain drenched the area and most things were whipped around by the ferocity of the wind. jensen seah has a really crazy work rate. that's why he's jensen strong and i'm jansen khui.

boulderactive happened over the weekend. fri sat sun from early morning till late. i really learnt a lot from the event. tried my hand at emcee-ing. first time doing it in my life (well if you count em-ceeing in army for some event before as an attempt). made some boo boos initially. observed and scrutinised and learnt somemore. became a little more proficient towards the end. learnt from kiat the master. really need to think before you talk. and have different intonations. and not to use my normal voice because it sounds too shrill. and have to be in sync with the mood of the audience. toy and tease with them. revve them up at the right moments.

and i realised that i have this call-for-rain ability. say three times of 'despite the rain' and a gentle drizzle transforms into a raging thunderstorm.

packing up after the event was over is an art onto itself. the crazy organisation. the logistical headache.

the mad flurry of the competition season has began. 5 years in rockclimbing already. can be counted as a veteran. but yet there is still so much to learn. so many people to catch up to. i remember the first open competition i got thrown into. got spanked big time. 2nd from the back. after that i was so traumatised i went on a binge eating spree. well, i've gradually improved over the past 1 year. looks like learning to swim in the deeper end of pool has more dramatic results afterall. swim or die. i must say i didnt perform too badly. the gap which seemed so insurmoutable just a year ago has narrowed. must remember to not get too caught up in the frenzy of results chasing and just enjoy every experience. good experience or bad experience, it's an experience nevertheless.

philip told me that i'm up there already. praise coming from him is high praise indeed. a pat on my own back, for now. and then move on. there's more to come from me yet.

zhijian tells me that good things happen when you least expect it. in this i fully concur.

delayed gratification

since young, my mother has indoctrinated into me that my birthday is not a time for my celebration. 'it is a time to remember the difficult time your mother had bringing you into this world', she would tell me. when i was younger, i got very indignant upon hearing this words. this is her reason for not allowing me to go to my friend's birthday parties or me hosting my own one. my little mind could not comprehend why my other friends were allowed to have theirs whereas i couldnt have mine.

i was a very sheltered little kid and some classmates have even commented that i was tied to my mum's apron strings. i've always begrudged her for not letting me be more independent; to let me walk to school on my own and to let me have the freedom of doing what i wanted. i guess it was for the best of me. i didnt turn out so bad after all eh. when i grew older, i began to see the wisdom behind her words/actions. she also began to relinquish all her control over me. i could go anywhere i wanted without informing her beforehand first. i could go overseas tomorrow and only tell her today. she threw me the car keys for me to drive around on my own when i passed my driving test. i am getting more freedom but i cant help but feel like i'm losing something. this may sound weird, but i miss her constant moddle coddle-ing. growing up sure is confusing as hell.

nowadays, when i see peers hosting their mega birthday parties, i draw strength from her words. i really cannot stand extravagant teens who have yet to truly earn their own money but insist on a several thousand dollar budget while hosting their party. wouldnt a simple sit down dinner with some close friends suffice? rather than a party with acquaintances you barely know, spending 5 mins talking to each of the 100 friends that you've invited. that money can be put to way better use elsewhere. a backpacking trip. a donation to a charitable foundation. investment for the future. i may sound like a freaking miser, but i clearly remember spending my 21st birthday working. i certainly dont think that i have 'no life'. i give generously to my close friends but stinge on myself, you cant fault me for that. can you?

i believe in delayed gratification.


took this quote from a friend's blog:
- to know the price of everything yet know the value of nothing.

something i didnt know about myself

dear blog (my-second-dearest),

i realised that i look really different in climbing photos. it's like.. when i'm looking at my climbing photos it's like i'm looking at another person altogether.

for that moment i'm captured in time, it seems that i'm invincible. i appear to be able live on forever. but then the fact that all these is just a facade dawns on me. the mortality of the flesh. that besides memories, photos are the only method with which a person can remember how he wanted to remember himself. why do people like taking photos so much? that perfect smile is really ironical when you realise that nobody is perfect. there will always be something that the photograph cannot capture. be it the entirety of the scene. or the raw emotion of the moment. for that reason even the best photos will be flawed.

i'm scared when i see my own climbing photos. it's like i'm transformed into another person. i'm not the mild and docile person that i know myself to be. i see the look of deadly focus on my face. i see the glaring whites of my eyes. i see the intensity. is this really me? i ponder.

i see the lines in my forearms. this might give people the impression that i have strong arms. but the truth is this.. i've never felt weaker before. they have no idea how weak i felt at that point. that i'll forever be servient to gravity. it's amazing how people can say, 'hey jansen, you looked really strong' but i am actually feeling really weak up there. no matter how hard i struggle, gravity always has her way with me. she pulls me back to reality and grounds me each time i try to crawl away from her all encompassing grip.

i guess that's the beauty of rockclimbing. that no matter how strong you are, there's always something harder. in this aspect even the strongest pros feel the same as the weakest beginners. that feeling of haplessness, of desperation, of struggle. oh-too-familiar. but i certainly dont want this feeling to end, because if it does, then it'll be no more fun.

when separates the men from the boys is that the men get shut down but not shut out. the boys just whine about it.

a whirlwind of change

dear blog,

i know i've let you down. i've left you to rot in the corner of your virtual space. for that i'm sorry. i'm sorry that i have not been able to spend time with you, filling in your spaces. but take heart that you've had neighbours to spend your lonely hours with! a chat with the blog to the left and a gossip with the blog to the right could probably ease some of those lonely hours? am i right? or left?

blog my dearest, please give me a chance to explain my absence. you see, my life has by torn asunder by the whirlwind of change. this wind who acknowledges none as master, has ripped across space and time to unleash the full force of its fury upon me. my life has changed! for better or for worst? who knows?

there are some issues i would like to address in this post. as usual, some might challenge the sensibilities of the reader, whereas some will bring a cheshire-cat grin to your face. and as usual, i beseech those who are offended to just do themselves a favour and look away.

first and foremost i must mention this issue that has been bugging me. i've had some people come up to me to tell me (maybe not very scathingly), that my blog is too wordy. that they feel groggy after reading it. that they just skim through it. that they closed the page upon first glance. initially, my reaction was outrage. my blog is my personal avenue to pen down all my thoughts and reflections. it is natural then, that it is all words. unless someone can take a snapshot of my brain and its inner workings. i never invited anyone to come and read it. pressure that builds over over the course of the week due to work/sch/projects evaporates with each word penned. some people choose to express their emotions with pictures. some do so with colours. some do so with ramblings. i choose to show mine through words; through the subtlety of language. the point is this, any form of expression is fine, so long it's heartfelt. but come and criticise me and it would not be unlike the stepping on the tail of a sleeping dog. i may be mild tempered, but you really wouldnt want to see the other jansen. i only accept constructive criticism. fair enough, what is constructive or not is rather subjective. but a good guideline would be NO sweeping statements. an example: your blog arh. too wordy already arh. i see already straightaway close. after the initial outrage subsided, the residual feeling is pity. what did those people think they achieved with telling me what they told me? they've only earned my pity. their lack of grasp of the english language and their incapacity to immerse in the experience of soul-searching is to their detriment, not mine.

my life has really taken a turn for the busy. every monday evening, i'm coaching a group of students basic climbing techniques. not an easy job. always very stressed that i'll screw up somehow. that my delivery of the lesson is not engaging enough. that with too many words i've somehow overloaded my students with information and thus affected their climbing. that i didnt pronounce some syllable correctly and thus hampered their learning. that the route didnt really let them master the correct technique. so on and so forth. but at the same time. i'm having loads of fun. i'm meeting new people each time and learning from their stories and experiences. each time i talk to them is like a 5 minute escape from the anarchy that is institutional education. i've met genuinely happy people who have truly escaped from the rat race simply by being happy and living below their means. i really love to wow my audience at the end of each session with a climbing demonstration that some have told me is graceful. not the epitome of grace, but graceful enough. for that i'm content already. i look forward to each and every lesson like how a child looks forward to each and every ice cream. but gotta keep in mind the diminishing marginal utility.
but the one thing i do regret is that i'm unable to join the team for monday physical training sessions. i feel myself stagnating physically. i gain in the experience of teaching and sharing with others but i lose out on my strength. which is a conundrum i've been trying to contend with. i want time for myself to climb and train to become sick-ass strong. i have not proven me to myself yet. i've still fallen short of my personal yardstick. so i'm happy yet sad at the same time. how is it possible, you ask. i'm a conflicting person, so there.

every fri afternoon i'm coaching this bunch of really loveable kids. taking them for over the span of a year. each session i really wreck my brains to think of how to structure the lesson so it's not to complicated for them. how to pique their interest. how to introduce technical equipment and details and yet not bore them to death - you all know how children have short attention span. and to always look out for safety because since i'm their babysitter, i'm responsible for their every action. it is really gratifying to see them doing what i taught them. satisfying to see them having loads of fun embarking on this journey of self-discovery with me the omnipotent shepherd in the background. love to tekan them with loads of physical training (renamed pleasure time to try to psycho their little minds). amazing to see that i've somehow or other, played a role in shaping their lives. this gift i cherish.
nevertheless i think that it is inevitable that some people will quit. i've come to the conclusion that rockclimbing is a self-eradicating sport. survival of the fittest. darwinism is very much alive in climbing. only 3 people are left climbing from my batch, that is despite having a brilliant and awe-inspiring coach. how can i spin an even more elaborate and intricate web of magic to astound them? to stupefy them? to seduce them to the beauty of the sport? i wonder.

and of course i'm thankful for meeting felicia.
for sharing our thoughts and dreams and aspirations.
for always being there for me.
for the sunshine that she has brought into my life.
for her laughter.
for her innocence.
for going through much together - that's all that matters. isnt it?