a whirlwind of change

dear blog,

i know i've let you down. i've left you to rot in the corner of your virtual space. for that i'm sorry. i'm sorry that i have not been able to spend time with you, filling in your spaces. but take heart that you've had neighbours to spend your lonely hours with! a chat with the blog to the left and a gossip with the blog to the right could probably ease some of those lonely hours? am i right? or left?

blog my dearest, please give me a chance to explain my absence. you see, my life has by torn asunder by the whirlwind of change. this wind who acknowledges none as master, has ripped across space and time to unleash the full force of its fury upon me. my life has changed! for better or for worst? who knows?

there are some issues i would like to address in this post. as usual, some might challenge the sensibilities of the reader, whereas some will bring a cheshire-cat grin to your face. and as usual, i beseech those who are offended to just do themselves a favour and look away.

first and foremost i must mention this issue that has been bugging me. i've had some people come up to me to tell me (maybe not very scathingly), that my blog is too wordy. that they feel groggy after reading it. that they just skim through it. that they closed the page upon first glance. initially, my reaction was outrage. my blog is my personal avenue to pen down all my thoughts and reflections. it is natural then, that it is all words. unless someone can take a snapshot of my brain and its inner workings. i never invited anyone to come and read it. pressure that builds over over the course of the week due to work/sch/projects evaporates with each word penned. some people choose to express their emotions with pictures. some do so with colours. some do so with ramblings. i choose to show mine through words; through the subtlety of language. the point is this, any form of expression is fine, so long it's heartfelt. but come and criticise me and it would not be unlike the stepping on the tail of a sleeping dog. i may be mild tempered, but you really wouldnt want to see the other jansen. i only accept constructive criticism. fair enough, what is constructive or not is rather subjective. but a good guideline would be NO sweeping statements. an example: your blog arh. too wordy already arh. i see already straightaway close. after the initial outrage subsided, the residual feeling is pity. what did those people think they achieved with telling me what they told me? they've only earned my pity. their lack of grasp of the english language and their incapacity to immerse in the experience of soul-searching is to their detriment, not mine.

my life has really taken a turn for the busy. every monday evening, i'm coaching a group of students basic climbing techniques. not an easy job. always very stressed that i'll screw up somehow. that my delivery of the lesson is not engaging enough. that with too many words i've somehow overloaded my students with information and thus affected their climbing. that i didnt pronounce some syllable correctly and thus hampered their learning. that the route didnt really let them master the correct technique. so on and so forth. but at the same time. i'm having loads of fun. i'm meeting new people each time and learning from their stories and experiences. each time i talk to them is like a 5 minute escape from the anarchy that is institutional education. i've met genuinely happy people who have truly escaped from the rat race simply by being happy and living below their means. i really love to wow my audience at the end of each session with a climbing demonstration that some have told me is graceful. not the epitome of grace, but graceful enough. for that i'm content already. i look forward to each and every lesson like how a child looks forward to each and every ice cream. but gotta keep in mind the diminishing marginal utility.
but the one thing i do regret is that i'm unable to join the team for monday physical training sessions. i feel myself stagnating physically. i gain in the experience of teaching and sharing with others but i lose out on my strength. which is a conundrum i've been trying to contend with. i want time for myself to climb and train to become sick-ass strong. i have not proven me to myself yet. i've still fallen short of my personal yardstick. so i'm happy yet sad at the same time. how is it possible, you ask. i'm a conflicting person, so there.

every fri afternoon i'm coaching this bunch of really loveable kids. taking them for over the span of a year. each session i really wreck my brains to think of how to structure the lesson so it's not to complicated for them. how to pique their interest. how to introduce technical equipment and details and yet not bore them to death - you all know how children have short attention span. and to always look out for safety because since i'm their babysitter, i'm responsible for their every action. it is really gratifying to see them doing what i taught them. satisfying to see them having loads of fun embarking on this journey of self-discovery with me the omnipotent shepherd in the background. love to tekan them with loads of physical training (renamed pleasure time to try to psycho their little minds). amazing to see that i've somehow or other, played a role in shaping their lives. this gift i cherish.
nevertheless i think that it is inevitable that some people will quit. i've come to the conclusion that rockclimbing is a self-eradicating sport. survival of the fittest. darwinism is very much alive in climbing. only 3 people are left climbing from my batch, that is despite having a brilliant and awe-inspiring coach. how can i spin an even more elaborate and intricate web of magic to astound them? to stupefy them? to seduce them to the beauty of the sport? i wonder.

and of course i'm thankful for meeting felicia.
for sharing our thoughts and dreams and aspirations.
for always being there for me.
for the sunshine that she has brought into my life.
for her laughter.
for her innocence.
for going through much together - that's all that matters. isnt it?