something i didnt know about myself

dear blog (my-second-dearest),

i realised that i look really different in climbing photos. it's like.. when i'm looking at my climbing photos it's like i'm looking at another person altogether.

for that moment i'm captured in time, it seems that i'm invincible. i appear to be able live on forever. but then the fact that all these is just a facade dawns on me. the mortality of the flesh. that besides memories, photos are the only method with which a person can remember how he wanted to remember himself. why do people like taking photos so much? that perfect smile is really ironical when you realise that nobody is perfect. there will always be something that the photograph cannot capture. be it the entirety of the scene. or the raw emotion of the moment. for that reason even the best photos will be flawed.

i'm scared when i see my own climbing photos. it's like i'm transformed into another person. i'm not the mild and docile person that i know myself to be. i see the look of deadly focus on my face. i see the glaring whites of my eyes. i see the intensity. is this really me? i ponder.

i see the lines in my forearms. this might give people the impression that i have strong arms. but the truth is this.. i've never felt weaker before. they have no idea how weak i felt at that point. that i'll forever be servient to gravity. it's amazing how people can say, 'hey jansen, you looked really strong' but i am actually feeling really weak up there. no matter how hard i struggle, gravity always has her way with me. she pulls me back to reality and grounds me each time i try to crawl away from her all encompassing grip.

i guess that's the beauty of rockclimbing. that no matter how strong you are, there's always something harder. in this aspect even the strongest pros feel the same as the weakest beginners. that feeling of haplessness, of desperation, of struggle. oh-too-familiar. but i certainly dont want this feeling to end, because if it does, then it'll be no more fun.

when separates the men from the boys is that the men get shut down but not shut out. the boys just whine about it.