Mar 20, 2010
some food for thought
faced this little conundrum and decided to raise the problem here for discussion and if you like, debate. the entire point of this post is not to berate or to chide. the entire point of this post is to arouse questions. to get the reader to think and to reflect. in the words of Socrates, 'the unexamined life is not worth living'. i shall use my own life as a case study.
ok so this is the issue. on one hand, people can come and 'like' my facebook note (letter to a christian girlfriend), meaning they support my writing and support some, if not all, of the notions put forth in the note. i think i can safely assume that these people disagree with the decision to break up over what they perceive as religious bigotry. these people have also come forward to comfort me and say that they support me.
yet on the other hand, these same people can go and comfort her. i have qualms about disagreeing with her yet being able to comfort her. they banter with her as usual on facebook and during BA10 as if everything is normal. can it be said that these people are in fact pandering to both sides? if yes, how can they do so without feeling at least a little prick on their conscience? the more i contemplate such actions, the more i become wary. who are those really concerned for me? who are the people i can really count on?
i discussed this with a friend, and his opinion is that it will be absolutely childish if someone agrees she did wrong and then proceed to ignore her completely for that. after all, it was something personal that happened between two people, and such people are in no capacity to criticize or lecture her. in short, they shouldn't end their friendship with her over this reason. however, he says that the actions of coming to comfort me, and then going to comfort her, are leaning towards hypocrisy. and this is spine-chilling.
what do you, the reader, think?
it is easier to believe than it is to think
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your friends are comforting you and fel because they treat you guys as their good friend, and are genuienly concerned. this is the very least they could do to show both of you that you guys are not alone, but there are friends around you who will always be willing to listen and be there. so this really isnt about taking sides or being hypocritic. you really shouldnt read so much into it, or link it to them being hypocritic. hope you move on well. God has plans for you, jansen (:
ReplyDeletehey jansen. i am sure you know life is not easy and human beings are complicated. living so many years of your life, i am sure you have learnt to treasure your friends. perhaps those friends treasure her as much too. maybe putting yourself in the shoes of those friends might help you see what they see.
ReplyDeletei am sure both sides care for both Jansen and Fel, but not wanting to lose the friendship of either.
ReplyDeletei guess unless that person badmouths about Jansen to Fel and vice versa, they are not hypocrites. they are smart. they dont want to cause further conflicts between either party. it is not easy for the mutual friends of both parties. You guys are in the same school and climbing team. Bound to see each other. Give these people a break. Its not easy having to juggle both sides. And i dont think it would be pleasant if one had to side with either. Whats the point?
ya i think what the last anon said is v true. what happened in the relationship is between the two of u, we outsiders also find it hard to judge or condemn one cos it's not fair to the other? and if my friend does something wrong, am i supposed to ignore/hate the person? in the end if we're true friends, i make known my disagreement, then we move on and i will still continue to love the person no matter how much i hate the act ba i guess.
ReplyDeleteeven the bad guy needs some comfort sometimes, and i may comfort the person simply because we are after all, friends. this doesn't make them care for you any less. its just that they care about both of u very much. or u may be right perhaps its hypocrisy too. but i doubt..
@ Anonymous 1: shouldn't read too much into issues is the start of the slippery slope which slides down to don't think critically and eventually don't think at all. having been born and raised in the singapore education system, which prides itself on encouraging school children to think critically, must have been a traumatic period for you. if i were to die and find myself at the gates of hell, i would ask God why he designed me in his own image and gave me a brain capable of questioning and doubt (which you tell me not to use), which i invariably used to question Him. should my life not be judged based on my actions/results/deeds and my reasons behind those, instead of just belief?
ReplyDelete@ Anonymous 2: i have taken pains to make sure my entire life revolves around the golden moral rule: do not do unto others what you do not wish to be done unto yourself. fancy having a person who is afraid to divulge his identity come up to me to teach me this lesson. i think the action of putting myself in other people's shoes should be reciprocal. besides, i am just bringing up the issue for discussion to see if such moral standards are socially accepted. it appears to me that it is for you. good for you.
ReplyDelete@ Anonymous 3: smart and shrewd actions does not equal it being morally correct. over here, the discussion is whether such actions are acceptable, not whether the person is shrewd or not, or whether i should give him a break. the point is to examine your thoughts. because your thoughts guide your words, and your words guide your actions, and your actions guide your life. so if those shrewd/smart thoughts are a good moral compass, then i'll follow them without hesitation.
ReplyDeleteand like i've said, i am not asking them to side one party of the other. that would be childish and immature. i am just asking them to reflect if it is correct to agree with and comfort both sides. if you think it is, then you better have a good reason.
@ gerry: hello! if your friend does something wrong, of course you are not supposed to ignore and hate the person. instead, what i, a spiritually blind person, will do is to find out the problem in its context and discern for myself whether the decision is a good one or a bad one, and i will advise that person accordingly.
ReplyDeletebut you are missing the point. the point is whether it is acceptable to agree with and comfort both sides. and about how can you truly comfort a person if you do not agree with him/her.
i thank you for taking time out to answer the questions of ignoramus ko.
Hey Jensen, I read your post on FB. It's been awhile back and I concur that you took a swipe at Christianity because it seemed to have "bitten" you at the most tender spot - the loving heart.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what transpired between your ex and yourself but I understand the frustration of having some one you loved deeply leave you, cuz it happened to me before, only in a different context.
Although I am a Christian myself, I do not care for discussing the merits of being one for I believe that whatever you believe in, God or no God, religion or no religion, as long as you find meaning in your own life, and think beyond self, who is to comment? We make our own paths.
Religion is an contradiction in itself, because while it promotes selfless love, it is the most hotly debated and fought over matter in the history of mankind.
You will heal and you will love again. Stay strong. I believe you will.
Regards,
DK :)
虚不虚伪，就得看你和那群所谓“两头倒”的朋友和你，有没有利害关系？（ie. to say, 你将来/现在有没有利用价值？crude but true.）如果有，他们就会尽“朋友”的义务，在敏感时期安慰你关心你。相对的，如果那女生也是对他们有同等/不低于你的价值，当然他们得顾及双方面的感受，也得和她交流。
ReplyDelete这叫做，人情留一线，日后好相见。
and actually，sometimes this is not hypocrisy, this is in current terms - diplomancy. (just don't ask me the difference.. *laughs)
ok，说真的，如果他们真心是你的朋友，（不论你是否对他们有任何帮助）他们也可以两边都好，因为和你discussed 的朋友说的话，我赞成。你又不小孩在玩游戏，干么你的朋友们需要pick teams？分手也是你们两的人的事。别人的生活不会因此改变。
最后，容我这个多嘴的外人说多一句：
这感觉像是你第一段（或是第一段投入全心全意）的感情。恭喜你，因为被真正伤过心，自己会更加小心，也会更珍惜。
>__< FIGHTING!
Hello, My friend tagged me in the note u wrote..and somehow it seems familiar to me. I was in ur ex's shoes. I'm not hear to preach to u..just that faith in Religion, in a God is something incomprehensible. I guess it's smth u have 2 experience urself b4 you do understamd. Ur ex has her reasons. So I guess just move on . Wish u e best :}
ReplyDeletehi duckling,
ReplyDeletethanks for your kind words. appreciate it lots.
regards,
jansen
ren shen jiu xiang yi chang xi, ying wei you yuan cai xiang ju.
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